Eternal clock, cc-by-sa, Robbert van der Steeg

What to say? I’m learning a lot by being self-employed. I have to arrange so many things now and I’m all on my own. Good for developing discipline and self-reliance, for facing fears. It keeps me busy.

Here’s a quick summary of my Zen activities over the past few months.

Brad Warner

I sat with Brad Warner, in Wuppertal and Nijmegen on 12 and 13 June. Warner’s stay in The Netherlands is pretty well documented.

Buddhist Broadcasting Foundation:

• A radio interview
• A tv report

Brad’s blog posts:

• Amsterdam. But No Hamsters. Damn!
• ESCAPE FROM GERMANY!
• See You in Ballymena and Talk in Wuppertal Videos

During Brad’s stay I spent a weekday showing him around Nijmegen. This involved a lot of browsing through collections of music and video stores. And some nice conversation. During the weekend, I stayed at Hanny’s place, where some of my Zen friends had gathered. There was a lot of metal and punk music (not my taste), but also Rainer’s shiatsu, which was relaxing. Hanny was an excellent host.

Sesshin

Photo © Zen.nl

I was on sesshin from 27 June until 3 July. Words can hardly describe my time there.

It was hot. Emotional highs and lows quickly alternated, I was on a rollercoaster. I didn’t talk to people, didn’t look them in the eye. Everyone was dressed in black. I heard (and nearly saw) 3D-soundscapes made up of various types of birds, cars and their reflections on the walls. I saw demons in the carpet, but also Bart Simpson. My body ached.

I sat in the most silent silence, my breath hardly noticeable. I saw the world’s suffering. I realized that I can’t do anything about it. I also realized I don’t have to. But I want to anyway. So I’ll ease up on myself and do what I can.

I had a horrible time and a great time. The day I came home, I registered for the January sesshin on the island of Ameland.

Zendo

When I came home, my partner told me he’s going to attend an introductory course in Zen meditation at Zen.nl starting September. That was such great news!

So last week, I cleared out the small room I already used as an office and to do zazen, bought new drapes, and made room for a second zabutan. I’ll clear out all the book shelves, and put a fresh layer of whitewash on the walls. We’ll have our own private zendo. It’s already looking good in the photo!

New teacher

The past year, Tom has been my personal teacher. After the sesshin he decided it was time for me to move on. I will continue my Zen training with Harmen. Beside that, I also sit with a weekly advanced group taught by Rients.

I wrote up a nice report for the past year with Tom. It’s amazing how much I’ve learned about myself in one year. Illusion after illusion has become visible. I hope I can continue my training with more equanimity. The middle way is often hard to keep for me.

I’d like to close with a note to myself that I found on Brad’s blog:

生死事大
無常迅速
光陰可惜
時不待人

Shou ji ji dai
Mu jou jin soku
Kou in oshimu beshi
Toki hitowo matazu

Great is the matter of birth and death
Life slips quickly by
To waste time is a great shame
Time waits for no one

Blij nieuws: Ik heb twintig minuten gemediteerd vanochtend!

Het viel me zo zwaar ‘s ochtends, meditatie. Sinds mijn bezoek aan Ierland een maandje geleden was mijn ritme ver te zoeken. In Ierland heb ik de ochtendmeditaties overgeslagen om gewoon lekker mee te doen in het ritme van mijn zusje en haar dochter van twee. Veel te gezellig om samen te ontbijten. Halfuurtje vroeger de wekker zetten? Geen zin in.

Maar toen ik terug in Nederland was, kreeg ik mijn meditatiemachientje amper meer aan de praat. Wat kost het toch een moeite, zen. Elke keer opnieuw beginnen.

Afgelopen week was het helemaal een toer, met die zomertijd. Ik ben geen ochtendmens, en dat uur vroeger mijn bed uit maakte mijn discipline er niet beter op. Toch heb ik mijn uiterste best gedaan om in ieder geval tien minuutjes te gaan zitten. Dat lukte me om de andere dag.

En vanochtend, zonder vroege werkafspraken, bleek ik opeens terug in het ritme te zijn. Om acht uur wakker-zonder-wekker, mijn bed uit en douchen. Twintig minuten zitten zonder problemen. Okee, een spring-geest, maar dat is niets nieuws. De ‘beste’ ideeën komen altijd tijdens meditaties.

Een paar maanden geleden was ik trots op het feit dat ik geen moeite had met twee keer twintig minuten mediteren. Mensen zeiden “Goh, dat zou ik nooit kunnen”. Ik haalde mijn schouders op en zei iets van “och, gaat vanzelf”.

Nou, ik kom er op terug. Het is hard werken, en soms lukt het ook mij van geen meter! Weg met die trots.